It’s true that most fathers kind of feel like they are on the fringe; that they cannot possibly play a “key” role in their children’s lives. The truth is actually totally opposite from this. Starting from the time they are an infant, hearing your voice, feeling your arms, every single interaction between you and your son or daughter, will be shaping their “idea” of you and more importantly will be shaping them into the person they will someday become. You are so much more important than you know.
First, you are setting an example for your children in everything that you do. You get up in a good mood and get the morning off to a good start-your children will notice. You go to work every day and work honestly and hard, but yet make time for your children, and they will notice. You help your partner in both the nurturing and disciplining and your children will follow your example. By the same token, those negative things that took place and were part of how “you were raised” will also turn out being negatives to your children. Keep this in mind and be fully aware of those times that you sound particularly like your Mom or Dad. If you can honestly remember that same phrase or action with fondness or a smile or as well-deserved, then you are probably on the right track. On the other hand, if you only have negative feelings or experience anger when remembering one of your parents saying or doing the same thing to you, then your child will probably see and feel the same. It is true that “the crimes of the father are not the fault of the son”, but in this case, the father’s actions can make all the difference in the future of the child.
Secondly, children look up to their fathers for completely different reasons than they look up to their mothers. In a child’s mind, fathers are strong and protective and even sometimes a bit scary. Just ask any mother and she will tell you that when a child gets in trouble, the first words out of their mouth will be “Please don’t tell Dad”, or something to that affect. Most children live in fear of their fathers much more so than their mothers, probably only because Mom is around all the time and is therefore somewhat predictable, where Dad, if he works outside the home, represents the unknown. You can change that by being more involved and by being consistent with your children, regardless of the crappy day you had at work. Your children should have a healthy respect for you, but that should be tempered with a healthy dose of love and knowing that if they need you, you will be there to help them through difficult times.
Finally, you and your partner are a team. Ideally, both parents will live in the home, but in this day of easy divorces, the truth may be that children come from a divided family. That doesn’t mean they have to come from a “broken” home. Just as you and your partner should do everything possible to face your children united, it shouldn’t change if you decide to separate or divorce. This is the time when it will be more important than ever to present a united front-one that is hell bent on doing the right thing for the children. Regardless of the fact that your failed marriage may not be the fault of your children, it is not so clearly evident to those young ones and they need to be assured of their innocence at every opportunity. And do not use your children against your partner. They should be kept an innocent by-stander in this drama, which will no doubt be ongoing until things have settled down some, if ever. Even if you or your partner choose to have a relationship with other people, the boxing gloves must come off in front of the children and for the sake of the children.
Fatherhood is all about making the best decisions possible in order to shape your children’s future. Enjoy it and make the best of it. They are only young for such a short time.
No Responses to “Fatherhood – Nothing Can Prepare You”